FUCK IT, WE BALL | #001 | JAN 2025

WE INSIDE TYPING SUBSTACKS.

I’ve been contemplating starting a Substack for a couple of years now, even more so as I pack up my bags from Instagram and search for a new place on the Internet to settle down. I wanted to unplug from the constant brain rot consumption that gnawed away at me, turning my drive for creating into jealousy and thoughts of Why can’t I make cool shit like that?!?!

What happened to my childlike joy for making art? Four years of design school and I’m still fighting Big Bad Art Block™ and Sinister Self Doubt™ to this day. I’ve been through the wringer—critiques, rejections, and so many you-can-do-betters is so EXHAUSTING. GET ME OUT OF HERE. I don’t want to see another email again.

Yes, this vicious cycle never ends. No matter how many times I change my college major, research my professors with decent reviews to every last detail while registering for classes, sift through thousands of job listings on LinkedIn, and refresh my Gmail inbox for an acceptance or rejection letter, that nasty feeling never goes away. Will I ever be enough?

Yes, I want to improve, I want to get better, I want to be successful. I want validation, I want praise, I want it like everybody else.

But hey, FUCK IT, WE BALL. It’s time to move on from appeasing to the corporate world and academia and find purpose in the community around me who is so much more welcoming, forgiving, and inspiring. It’ll be a painfully slow journey trying to heal, but I want to channel my energy into designing, making zines, writing, doodling comics, going to local shows, zine fairs, and art markets, and talking to cool people because it’s FUN and I want to do it for MYSELF.

This Substack will become my little corner of the Internet for everyone who wants to seek refuge from the life of headache-inducing Zoom meetings, resume revisions, portfolio website updating, and anyone who uses “Let’s touch base next week” and other ear-splitting corporate jargon. Of course, as someone who’s currently a student, struggling to be a freelance designer, and painstakingly hunting for jobs at studios, record labels, or the like, I’m going to have to play the game of capitalism like everybody else. It’s necessary to survive, but I wish it wasn’t.

This is how KILL DEADLINES came to be, and I’ll be navigating the design and music industry with spite as a mad designer with raging ADHD. Deadlines and consistency are my worst enemy, and though fear of failure is a great motivator, I don’t want to put myself through that misery and fall back into another burnout episode. I don’t want to make any promises, but I’ll be writing newsletters whenever my capacity levels allow me to, and I want my time and energy to be respected. This’ll be fun, and we’ll see how far I can take this little project of mine (which I started in—yet again—another ADHD spurt of energy).

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I’d like to use this space to show gratitude to my inspirations (who may or may not see this because I’m too shy to say it to them directly) who motivated me through their refreshing values and presence, including Kel Lauren and Elliot Ulm of my favorite ADHD design podcast Kelliot (both of whom are insane graphic designers), and Julia Fletcher, who also makes kickass album packaging design and has a Substack as well (which I read every month!). Y’all are like my design parents honestly! I’d also like to shout out GUNKYARD, the Substack of the monthly Gunk zine who publishes sick riso-printed local NYC showpapers. I’ve been slacking on collecting the latest physical issues, but I read it every month online as well! One last shout out to all my (new and old) friends and fellow creatives who discovered this newsletter and read it all the way to the end! I hope you enjoy this unhinged side of me.

Thanks for reading! Til the next one! :)

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INTO MARGO’S MIND

MARGO’S MIX

I like to document what I was listening to in monthly playlists like a music diary so I can check back on how I was feeling at the time. It’s the beginning of the month, so this playlist will keep growing.

Songs I listened to back in 2024 that I was obsessed with:

• Mad Girl’s Love Song - Roman Candle: Another big inspiration of mine I didn’t mention above is Piper Ferrari and her band Roman Candle! She’s a Vegas-based graphic designer, clothing brand founder, and screamo vocalist—a triple threat. This song awakened me to pick up my guitar and start a band with my friends because why the fuck wouldn’t I? Following the designer to band member pipeline, as it should be.

• New Face - Model/Actriz: Favorite song of ALL TIME actually. Ever since seeing Model/Actriz for the first time at Mercury Lounge in the Lower East Side, I was hooked.

• Talk - Show Me The Body: Such a good pick-me-up. Keeps my heart pumping when I gotta lock in on a task or while I’m walking down the street with my headphones on. SMTB is a classic.

• AAEEAA - Jeromes Dream: Head banger. Keeping the skramz genre refreshing.

• db - CONDOR44: My partner stumbled upon this Japanese post-rock band CONDOR44 thanks to the magical YouTube algorithm, all their videos being posted 17+ years ago. According to YouTube comments and Reddit forums, this band was in their prime in the early 90s then faded away from public eye as the algorithm buried them in the depths of the Internet. This song makes me nostalgic for a time I’ll never know.

SHOW REPORT

A Very Model/Actriz Chrismukkah 4 @ TV Eye: This is my 4th time seeing Model/Actriz, and as always, they get crazier and crazier. Cole Haden using his mic stand as a fake machine gun to “shoot” the audience as well as a surprise cover of “I Gotta Feeling” by Black Eyed Peas was just INCREDIBLE. I’ll never stop hyping up this band, they’re one of the best of this generation.

ON MY SHELF

Vernon Subutex 1: A Novel by Virginie Despentes

This novel follows the eponymous sleazy former record shop owner who gets kicked out on the street with a bunch of tapes from his dead rockstar friend. As of right now, I’m on page 53, and I’m already digging the biting dialogue and the raunchy inner thoughts of Vernon. I hate the guy, but I’m silently rooting for him too.

I’ve struggled to read books after starting college due to my attention span being cooked, but I’m falling back into it again and it feels good.

INSPIRATION

My inspiration for this month is Anne Hero, an Indo-Guyanese & Latino freelance illustrator who is reclaiming her part of the Internet as a personal diary to document her interests and taste for 90’s and 2000’s fashion, video games, and jungle music—what the Internet was truly meant for. Also we’re both big Badtzmaru fans! I met her over the summer in NYC and got to meet her loving community of friends, and I’m so thankful for everyone I’ve met.

RAMBLE

Questions to ask my readers and start conversation!

• Any other creatives out here with ADHD? How do you manage (or not)?

• For the college kids: Do you think art school is worth it?